The John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks | Page 8
Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. Im proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock youre about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for entertainment. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, its necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his heyday, its pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, Ive chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and well never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while weve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now were going to go into a realm that even Im not sure exactly how Im going to stomach. So, with that in mind, lets begin this little induction of ours.
And today we're all going to talk about... Why's everyone looking at me like that? Seriously, guys, what's wrong? Do I have something in my teeth? Do I have sex hair? Why the fuck is everyone giving me the stink eye here? Come on guys, it's me, Tenta. I'm the guy who used an Earthquake figure to get laid. I'm the guy that said Earthquake should have gone over Hulk Hogan at Summerslam 1990. Why's everyone giving me that look?
Yeah, yeah, I get it. That's John Tenta. That doesn't solve my problem. Guy's, what the fuck's the matter?
.... Oh.... Yeah. Ok I get it now. Everyone thinks because I'm a delusional John Tenta fan, I'm going to look at this gimmick with a bias. I mean, after all, I'm the guy that said this man deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. What man in the right mind would say Golga deserves to be among the established names such as Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, Randy Savage, and Koko B. Ware. How could I possibly look at this gimmick with a fair eye? Because, quite simply, I didn't know John Tenta was Golga until about 2005, six years after the demise of this miserable pile of shit. For me, it was like I paid to go to a strip show, got a fat bitch with pimples, and found out the next night it was my High School Sweetheart. And I just compared John Tenta to strippers. I really need to get the fuck away from these forums. Anyway, that pretty much sums up things, in terms of my bias. I've admitted before to being a Val Venis and a Mark Henry mark; how could I not be biased in this induction, you ask? Because, to me, it wasn't John Tenta. At least, until after the fact. To me, it was just a bunch of talentless hacks stumbling around the ring, with the World's Most Annoying Band leading them along the way. No, I'm not talking about The Nation and PG-13, I'm talking about... Sigh... The Insane Clown Posse. I think it's possible that they are the only male ring rats to ever inhabit the sport of wrestling. They had a stint in the WWE, and WCW, all conveniently enough under Vince Russo's watch. That tells me, simply enough, that Vinnie Ru must be a Juggalo, which gives me even more reason to hate them. Either that, or he thought the ICP= Ratings, which made me LMAO. And sadly enough, this gimmick actually did get over, which proved to me what I should have known from the very first day I became a wrestling fan, that all wrestling fans are innately idiotic. Anyway, lets get this show on the road, as I watch my favorite wrestler plod around with a Cartman doll, and die a little on the inside. Ladies and gentleman, I give to you
What Was It: Well, first, I suppose it's only fair to say that at this point, I'm actually listening to the John Tenta shoot interview, to get his thoughts on this whole thing. Right now, I'm going to admit the irony has been lost on me ever since I adopted this Terrible Gimmick idea that the Wrestlecrap guys are the last people to get a meaningful interview with John Tenta before his passing, and now I'm taking on a Wrestlecrap approach. Let me just say, for the record, because people have made the comparison before, I appreciate Wrestlecrap for what it is; a surface view at bad gimmicks. Read the underlined portion; while I agree Wrestlecrap is pretty spt on in their criticisms, I would have liked for them to go more into detail. Yes, I've bought the book, and was left somewhat unsatisfied even by that. That said, the John Tenta interview really is something, and I recommend you check it out. Anyway, of course I'm going to start this whole thing with how John Tenta was brought into the fold. At the time, Tenta was taking booking in the Independents, and wasn't getting a whole lot of work. He contracted the WWE, and had a tryout match. At the time, he'd lost a considerable amount of weight, and the feeling going around was that if he came in as The Earthquake again, people wouldn't recognize it, and he'd really be too small. Admittedly, that's really saying something when you remember that as late as WCW in his career, he still weighed over five hundred pounds, and at 380, he was considered too small for the Earthquake gimmick, but it really did look like he lost a hell of a lot of weight. Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and say there was some bit of punishment on Tenta for leaving to go to WCW. Calling Vince vengeful is like saying the sky is blue, and there's been plenty of talents that left Vince, only to come back and be buried. Samba Simba ringing any bells here, folks? How about The Dragon? Look, Tenta wasn't a fantastic worker, but he was above being Golga plain and simple. He was then saddled up with two gigantic freaks, in Kurrgan and Giant Silva. Silva now takes bookings at MMA fights in Japan, which is odd to think about, and you may recognize Kurrgan as, well...
Needless to say, his for a wrestler, he makes a great actor. And he's a pretty shitty actor. Anyway, they were paired up with Luna Vachon, who also defected to WCW at some point, and were initially going to be a heel group working under Don Callis, who at the time was playing Jackyl. They were also tailed around by two characters from Howard Stern's show, who just like the ICP, was tied to the hip with wrestling for a while. Anyway, the problem, was the gimmick wasn't getting over as heels, because... Well, I'm not sure why. So the ICP was brought into the picture, and it was decided the Oddities were going to dance around, and John Tenta was given a Cartman doll to carry with him. And readers, dear readers, this gimmick actually got fucking over. I wish I was shitting you, but no, people seemed to get a real pop from this gimmick. Now, I'm never going to give credit to the Oddities; I think it was just that you couldn't hate The Oddities. Hell, they fucking brought in George "The Animal" Steele, and the crowd went fucking wild. They were given a storyline with the biggest diva in wrestling, Sable, for Christ Sakes! What was a horrible gimmick, sing it with me people, got fucking over. Still, there were some limitations. Maybe we should watch the Match of Ineptitude, against Kaientai, and try to figure it out.[YOUTUBE]R-y0-MYnRLQ&feature=related[/YOUTUBE]
Why It Failed: Well, let me just say this right here and now, because its there; The fact that Jim Ross just compared the Giant Silva to Andre the Giant is enough to make me cry. The fact is, this group just didnt have jack squat in the ring. You know things are bad for your group when youre asking John Tenta to be the workhorse. Its a catch 22, really; if youre going to have a group filled with giant misfits, you have to accept that the in ring work is going to be terrible. Giant Silva alone makes The Great Khali look like Vader, and Kurrgan was only somewhat better. The Oddities had a great pop when they came to the ring, because people could somewhat relate to this gimmick. But when it was time to get in the ring and actually work, the crowd went D-E-D, dead. None of these men save for Golga could take a bump, which brings up the other issue of how much you can really credibly book a gimmick with absolutely no ability to take bumps. To make matters worse, who worked the mic? Yeah, Luna Vachon. Im sorry, but that is just a horrible choice all around, it really is. Don Callis was supposed to be the mic man, but once the WWE realized he wasnt working, he got the axe. What this did, however, was kill off the Oddities ability to talk, but then again, I guess they didnt need one. In truth, this gimmick existed for pure comedy, and nothing more. Thats fine, but for the love of God, the way this gimmick got over was probably the most unexpected things Ive ever seen. This gimmick was not meant to get over, and when it did, we were left with just a bunch of big guys, who just couldnt cut it in the ring. Of course, the Saving Grace would be Earthquakes involvement, but again, it wasnt the Earthquake I remember. Rather, it was a smaller, and less credible, version of himself, that I just didnt know until about five years ago. Looking at it now, it is somewhat painful, but then again, it does look like hes actually having fun there. And knowing thats the case, Im more than happy to see him enjoying himself.
Oh Dear God, in Heaven... Have Mercy on my ever loving soul. This month.... It's.... It's..... It's his month. The bane of my existence. The one man I plan on going to the grave of, shoveling up his dead carcass, and taking a dump in his deceased mouth, for all the years in which he's literally forced shit down my throat on television. If bookers were like emperors, this one would definitely be Nero. For those not up on your Roman history, it means he is the absolute shits when it comes to booking. This man singlehandedly set back so many companies, to the point of killing one of them, and doing very similar to the only viable competition left possible. To put simply; he is an anti-promoter. Remember, a promoter's job is to get a gimmick over, and sell tickets. This man did neither, and did so in a historic rate. Hence my claim that he is the worlds first anti-promoter, in that anything he sold wouldn't draw and anything he didn't sell, turned to gold. Let's get this month over with, and if I were to die in the midst of it, frankly, I'd take it as a miracle, and go to glory that much faster. Ladies and gentlemen, this week, we begin:
Vince Russo Month
[YOUTUBE]lgI2ZQVyrBo&feature=related[/YOUTUBE]
And today we're all going to talk about... Why's everyone looking at me like that? Seriously, guys, what's wrong? Do I have something in my teeth? Do I have sex hair? Why the fuck is everyone giving me the stink eye here? Come on guys, it's me, Tenta. I'm the guy who used an Earthquake figure to get laid. I'm the guy that said Earthquake should have gone over Hulk Hogan at Summerslam 1990. Why's everyone giving me that look?
Yeah, yeah, I get it. That's John Tenta. That doesn't solve my problem. Guy's, what the fuck's the matter?
.... Oh.... Yeah. Ok I get it now. Everyone thinks because I'm a delusional John Tenta fan, I'm going to look at this gimmick with a bias. I mean, after all, I'm the guy that said this man deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. What man in the right mind would say Golga deserves to be among the established names such as Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, Randy Savage, and Koko B. Ware. How could I possibly look at this gimmick with a fair eye? Because, quite simply, I didn't know John Tenta was Golga until about 2005, six years after the demise of this miserable pile of shit. For me, it was like I paid to go to a strip show, got a fat bitch with pimples, and found out the next night it was my High School Sweetheart. And I just compared John Tenta to strippers. I really need to get the fuck away from these forums. Anyway, that pretty much sums up things, in terms of my bias. I've admitted before to being a Val Venis and a Mark Henry mark; how could I not be biased in this induction, you ask? Because, to me, it wasn't John Tenta. At least, until after the fact. To me, it was just a bunch of talentless hacks stumbling around the ring, with the World's Most Annoying Band leading them along the way. No, I'm not talking about The Nation and PG-13, I'm talking about... Sigh... The Insane Clown Posse. I think it's possible that they are the only male ring rats to ever inhabit the sport of wrestling. They had a stint in the WWE, and WCW, all conveniently enough under Vince Russo's watch. That tells me, simply enough, that Vinnie Ru must be a Juggalo, which gives me even more reason to hate them. Either that, or he thought the ICP= Ratings, which made me LMAO. And sadly enough, this gimmick actually did get over, which proved to me what I should have known from the very first day I became a wrestling fan, that all wrestling fans are innately idiotic. Anyway, lets get this show on the road, as I watch my favorite wrestler plod around with a Cartman doll, and die a little on the inside. Ladies and gentleman, I give to you
The Oddities
What Was It: Well, first, I suppose it's only fair to say that at this point, I'm actually listening to the John Tenta shoot interview, to get his thoughts on this whole thing. Right now, I'm going to admit the irony has been lost on me ever since I adopted this Terrible Gimmick idea that the Wrestlecrap guys are the last people to get a meaningful interview with John Tenta before his passing, and now I'm taking on a Wrestlecrap approach. Let me just say, for the record, because people have made the comparison before, I appreciate Wrestlecrap for what it is; a surface view at bad gimmicks. Read the underlined portion; while I agree Wrestlecrap is pretty spt on in their criticisms, I would have liked for them to go more into detail. Yes, I've bought the book, and was left somewhat unsatisfied even by that. That said, the John Tenta interview really is something, and I recommend you check it out. Anyway, of course I'm going to start this whole thing with how John Tenta was brought into the fold. At the time, Tenta was taking booking in the Independents, and wasn't getting a whole lot of work. He contracted the WWE, and had a tryout match. At the time, he'd lost a considerable amount of weight, and the feeling going around was that if he came in as The Earthquake again, people wouldn't recognize it, and he'd really be too small. Admittedly, that's really saying something when you remember that as late as WCW in his career, he still weighed over five hundred pounds, and at 380, he was considered too small for the Earthquake gimmick, but it really did look like he lost a hell of a lot of weight. Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and say there was some bit of punishment on Tenta for leaving to go to WCW. Calling Vince vengeful is like saying the sky is blue, and there's been plenty of talents that left Vince, only to come back and be buried. Samba Simba ringing any bells here, folks? How about The Dragon? Look, Tenta wasn't a fantastic worker, but he was above being Golga plain and simple. He was then saddled up with two gigantic freaks, in Kurrgan and Giant Silva. Silva now takes bookings at MMA fights in Japan, which is odd to think about, and you may recognize Kurrgan as, well...
Needless to say, his for a wrestler, he makes a great actor. And he's a pretty shitty actor. Anyway, they were paired up with Luna Vachon, who also defected to WCW at some point, and were initially going to be a heel group working under Don Callis, who at the time was playing Jackyl. They were also tailed around by two characters from Howard Stern's show, who just like the ICP, was tied to the hip with wrestling for a while. Anyway, the problem, was the gimmick wasn't getting over as heels, because... Well, I'm not sure why. So the ICP was brought into the picture, and it was decided the Oddities were going to dance around, and John Tenta was given a Cartman doll to carry with him. And readers, dear readers, this gimmick actually got fucking over. I wish I was shitting you, but no, people seemed to get a real pop from this gimmick. Now, I'm never going to give credit to the Oddities; I think it was just that you couldn't hate The Oddities. Hell, they fucking brought in George "The Animal" Steele, and the crowd went fucking wild. They were given a storyline with the biggest diva in wrestling, Sable, for Christ Sakes! What was a horrible gimmick, sing it with me people, got fucking over. Still, there were some limitations. Maybe we should watch the Match of Ineptitude, against Kaientai, and try to figure it out.[YOUTUBE]R-y0-MYnRLQ&feature=related[/YOUTUBE]
[YOUTUBE]7AnjUQ6XACo&feature=related[/YOUTUBE]
Why It Failed: Well, let me just say this right here and now, because its there; The fact that Jim Ross just compared the Giant Silva to Andre the Giant is enough to make me cry. The fact is, this group just didnt have jack squat in the ring. You know things are bad for your group when youre asking John Tenta to be the workhorse. Its a catch 22, really; if youre going to have a group filled with giant misfits, you have to accept that the in ring work is going to be terrible. Giant Silva alone makes The Great Khali look like Vader, and Kurrgan was only somewhat better. The Oddities had a great pop when they came to the ring, because people could somewhat relate to this gimmick. But when it was time to get in the ring and actually work, the crowd went D-E-D, dead. None of these men save for Golga could take a bump, which brings up the other issue of how much you can really credibly book a gimmick with absolutely no ability to take bumps. To make matters worse, who worked the mic? Yeah, Luna Vachon. Im sorry, but that is just a horrible choice all around, it really is. Don Callis was supposed to be the mic man, but once the WWE realized he wasnt working, he got the axe. What this did, however, was kill off the Oddities ability to talk, but then again, I guess they didnt need one. In truth, this gimmick existed for pure comedy, and nothing more. Thats fine, but for the love of God, the way this gimmick got over was probably the most unexpected things Ive ever seen. This gimmick was not meant to get over, and when it did, we were left with just a bunch of big guys, who just couldnt cut it in the ring. Of course, the Saving Grace would be Earthquakes involvement, but again, it wasnt the Earthquake I remember. Rather, it was a smaller, and less credible, version of himself, that I just didnt know until about five years ago. Looking at it now, it is somewhat painful, but then again, it does look like hes actually having fun there. And knowing thats the case, Im more than happy to see him enjoying himself.
Thats all for today. Either later, or tomorrow, were going to really start turning up the shit factor. So far, weve seen gimmicks that were bad, and got over. Now? Now were stuck with those that, well, didnt. Thats right, now we step into a scarier, and overall crappier product. We step into all of the things evil about professional wrestling: We begin our journey into.
The Twilight Zone
I mean,
WCW
Im scared, too
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